


imagine my tragedy

by ashensunsets



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Depression, Developing Relationship, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Practice Kissing, Pre-Canon, Rehabilitation, Relapsing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-05-14 20:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19280845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashensunsets/pseuds/ashensunsets
Summary: Rue sits in the back seat of her mom's car on the way to get some food and contemplates things.. . ."And then she thinks, I’m seventeen, and I’ve been in rehab three times. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she figures that should probably bother her, should probably scare her. But at the front of her mind, she’s thinking about the twitching of her fingers and the pack of Malboros in her bra. She could light up right now but with the White Castle and everything, it’s probably not a good idea."





	1. 1x1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it is really hard to write Rue.  
> Also, not a lot going on in this, just some thinking and sort of exploring Rue's mind and her relationships.

It's something of a tradition, one which she thinks her mother doesn't even notice, but Rue does, she always notices.

White Castle. It's like an impulse. When shit's gotten beyond fucked up but she hasn't the means to yet do anything about it, she makes the twenty minute drive and pulls into the parking lot that's always empty because there's a perfectly good McDonald's across the street.

 _I fucking hate White Castle_ , Rue thinks, staring blankly at a scrape on her knee as her mom puts in the order.  _The burgers are too small, like someone's hoarding the ingredients for themselves. It's been like that for years, though, so it must be a management thing, screwing over the customers 'til they get pissed and abandon them for Big Macs and Shamrock Shakes._

"Rue", her mother calls from up front, voice pointed, eyes piercing, like she knows, she just knows that Rue isn't paying attention. Well, good for her, because she wasn't. "What do you want?"

 _I wanna go home and watch shitty vine compilations for fifteen hours._  "Hash browns", she murmurs, meeting her glare in the mirror with a steely look of her own. "And a sweet tea. No ice."

Gia looks up from where she's sitting beside her, her finger holding her place in the book she's reading. The Fault Between Our Stars, for the billionth time in a row. The thought makes Rue smile because, not long ago, that used to be her, devouring book after book, multiple times over, until she wanted to write tragedies of her own.

Unfortunately for Rue, the biggest tragedy she could imagine was her life, and she could never string a story together the way she wanted to. She gave Gia the books she wanted, sold the ones she didn't, and burned what remained in a bonfire at a party on Jefferson Street sometime last spring.

She doesn't do much reading anymore.

Gia must realize Rue's looking, because her eyes dart back down to her book, lingering on one paragraph for too long before the reading becomes natural again.

"Six small burgers", her mother's saying up front into the speaker. "Uh, hash browns, and an iced tea."  
Rue just sighs and leans her head into the leather of the seat, turning her head to stare at the concrete wall beside her. There are vines there, dead as the winter that's befallen them, crawling up and over the wall like it's some sort of conquest. If she stares hard enough, crosses her eyes, the vines blur over to abso-fucking-lutely nothing because it's just vines on concrete, there isn't anything to see.

Her mom pulls up, and a man with a tattoo that screams, "Funyuns!" along the side of his neck holds out a hand, pulling it inside the window when she drops the money into it. Then they're pulling up again, and the car is still, silent aside from the shitty 80s music playing on the radio and the punk rock music emitting from Gia's earbuds. They were a present from their mom. Rue has the same set, but they're lost somewhere in her room with the other countless pairs of earbuds and headphones she's lost and broken over the years.

The hash browns are too hot when she gets them, but she eats them anyway, letting them sizzle and burn at her tongue until Gia offers her a bottle of water. Then she just sits there, watching as the sky opens and unleashes a torrent of water down upon them like they've personally offended it with their shitty eating habits and discordant family dynamics.

There's a weird smell to the car. Oranges, Gia's new perfume, the one Rue snatched out of a Marshall's and slipped her for her birthday; incense, her mother, from that fancy beauty supply that opened up a few weeks back; and then there's Rue. Rue, who just smells like must on top of deodorant because it's been a few weeks since she's had the energy to drag her ass into a shower and she's starting to smell kind of ripe. It's all coming together in a weird, almost suffocating rotating column of scents, one that has Rue pulling at the switch to roll down her window. But the window's locked, child safety, of course, so she just settles for the little crack in the drop top.

White Castle. Shit's fucked up, enough to warrant a not-so-subtle intervention, which means talk of rehab is probably on the horizon. " _Third time's the charm, right?"_ , she remembers asking, lips twisted into a snarl, the last time mom dropped her off outside the clinic.

And then she thinks, I'm seventeen, and I've been in rehab three times. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she figures that should probably bother her, should probably scare her. But at the front of her mind, she's thinking about the twitching of her fingers and the pack of Malboros in her bra. She could light up right now but with the White Castle and everything, it's probably not a good idea.

Her mom pulls up to the library. Gia tugs her earbuds free, says goodbye to them both, and then crawls out and starts up the path to the building. Studying, no doubt. She's always been a smart kid, always involved in two or three clubs at once on top of maintaining a decent GPA. Meanwhile, Rue is just barely getting through her classes, let alone attending electives that'll make or break her academic career. It's amazing that she hasn't been held back yet, but her teachers are always sympathetic and let her pass as long as she attends Office Hours.

She doesn't deserve the extra help, but she'll never refuse it. Truth be told, she actually kinda likes school. She just can't get in the way they need her to, can't wriggle her way into the pyramid dynamics of it all, can't find or pave a way through like everyone else seems to be able to.

"Dr. Hardy and I were talking again", her mom says, all casual and nonchalant when what she means to say is she spent all of last night crying on the phone about what a freak her daughter is. "We've found another facility."  
Rue purses her lips. Another facility? She's gotten used to the song and dance, knows all the steps, all the breaks, all the fissures that just need a little oiling for her to slither through and emerge free on the other side. But that's only because her mom's been adamant on sending her back to the same place.  _"Familiar environments", she'd said the second time, struggling to keep the emotion out of her voice. "I heard they help with the...healing process."_

_So much for healing._

"It's a new place", her mom continues, voice dripping with artificial cheerfulness. "Really lowkey, really real. I think it'll do you some good."

Rue's chest constricts, and her mother's voice fades to static, lost to the inner, chaotic rumblings of her mind. Because  _fuck_. Her mom doesn't know it, but the old facility, St. Hopkins, was really lax, damn near neglectful in their rehabilitation. It was stupid easy to get drugs from there, especially since most of the staff itself was too busy lighting up to really manage their patients.

But that's all over now. Because her mom's got that look in her eye, and it's making Rue uncomfortable. Like that time when she got high on PCP and thought she could do a hundred pushups in a row after months of avoiding weight lifting in gym class; she got charlie horses in her arms after just four and spent the whole day crying and trying to stretch them out.

"Ninety days", her mother says, like that's somehow supposed to make it better. "You leave next week."  
Well, that's kind of better. School doesn't end for another two weeks, but finals are already over, with the remaining days more a formality than anything else. But even still, rehab. And worse yet, a rehab that just might actually do its job.

"It'll be great", her mom says before turning on the radio and draining out whatever response Rue might've had to that.

Rue reaches into her bra, pulls out a cigarette and a lighter, and lights up.  _Maybe I'll choke on the fumes_ , she thinks, closing her eyes and pretending that she's somewhere else, somewhere better.

Someone better.


	2. 1x2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rue comes down from fentanyl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I decided to make this a series. I'll be doing quick little drabbles of each episode, exploring bits that I'd like to see more of. More introspection than plot heavy, similar to the first chapter. Anyway, expect updates Thursdays/Fridays and thanks for reading!  
> Also, might be changing the summary to have it better reflect the story so keep that in mind.

She doesn't remember getting into the car. Come to think of it, she doesn't remember much of anything aside from the fact that she came to Fezco's to get high and that she left high. Fezco was a little upset about that, more so than usual, and Rue was at first, too, before it actually kicked in.

"My dad's gonna take us home", Jules whispers, dragging fingers that are too gentle, too light, over her cheek.

Her dad. Right. Someone has to be driving, and, if Rue's got her head in Jules's lap, then, yeah, it wouldn't be either of them. The thought makes Rue giggle, picturing a car cruising down the street without a driver, and she keeps giggling until she thinks of the car careening off the road and into some ditch. Then she goes quiet, and she just lies there, blinking and whimpering against the gusts of cool air blowing from the AC vents.

Fentanyl. She's tried LSD, oxytocin, ecstasy, weed, cocaine, alcohol, and, once, on a dare, a mix of heroin and something from overseas. But she's never tried fentanyl. Some line, some invisible, imaginary, silly line she's always kept herself from crossing. It's changed a lot over the years, been pushed back as she's been offered and introduced to newer, polysyllabic pills, but it's always been there. Always grounding, always real, in a way that the highs and the emotions those pills and powders never could be.

Today, though. Today is different. Because this is different, she feels different; she feels...well...not exactly happy, that only lasted a minute or two, but she feels

_Lost. I feel lost._

And that should scare her, probably could if she wasn't so out of it, but it doesn't. And the more she thinks of it, the more sense it makes. Because maybe she's been going about this whole thing wrong, maybe the goal wasn't to get high, maybe it was to get to low, so turned around, so absolutely, so profoundly  _lost_  that you lose all sense of direction and all the unhappiness that's been plaguing you for so long.

 _It's different_ , Rue thinks as she turns onto her back and smiles up at Jules (Jules smiles back, albeit a bit confused). _I don't know what the hell is happening_ , she thinks, or says, as her eyes slip from Jules's to the lights above her head. The color, an almost sickly yellow, is fading in and out, like a pulse, and Rue reaches up, trying to feel it until it falls silent and still, but the light jumps away from her touch at the last minute. Her hand falls back to her chest, and she breathes, just breathes, breathes like she's never taken in a breath in her entire life.

It's like an orchestra, like a chaotic, discordant, turbid ensemble of colors and sights and sounds and pittering heartbeats until it all just crescendos, a symphony of empty and happy competing as all the sensations fade and Rue's left crashing back to earth, to the feel of Jules's torn jeans rubbing against the side of her face.

They're in Jules's room again. The curtains are drawn, and the lights are dimmed.

Rue's still coming down, still caught up in the hazy sweater of fentanyl, warmed and comforted by its embrace. But there's something about being here again, about being with Jules, that kind of makes her wish she was wearing a tank top instead.

"Hey, bitch", Jules says, setting her phone down on her bedside table. She sits up, crosses her legs, and wriggles her eyebrows. "You back on earth yet?"

Rue laughs. "Not yet", she answers, her head lolling to the side as she pushes herself up. "Getting there, though."  
"Good." Red rises to her cheeks. She shakes her head and closes her eyes, laughing at herself; it doesn't hit Rue's ears the way it should. "I-my dad, uh, he was starting to get worried."

"Yeah, I bet. Helluva first impression, am I right?" Jules doesn't say so, but Rue doesn't let that deter her. She just crawls up the bed until she can lay across Jules's lap again. "He isn't gonna, like, call the cops or anything, is he?"  
"No, no, he wouldn't do that." She brushes a lock of hair behind her ear and sighs. "He was talking about calling your mom." Rue goes stiff in her lap, but Jules just shushes her, reaching down to card her fingers through her hair. "I talked him out of it, though. Told him you were drunk and that you just needed to sleep it off."  
Rue huffs. She curls up in her lap. Her eyelids flutter as she bawls up Jules's bedsheets in her fingers, steeling herself against the feel of slowly but harshly coming back to herself.

It's coming back to her. Bit by bit, piece by piece, like the torn pages of a notebook blowing down a street. Fezco. And his dealer.

Shit. Why is she shaking?

_He was gonna hurt me._

_...Did he hurt me?_

"It's okay", Jules murmurs, bending over to press her lips to Rue's temples. Rue closes her eyes, grits her teeth, and tries to ignore the flash of metal behind her eyes, the stench of cheap cigarettes and loud cologne. "It's okay."  
"I don't…" Rue clenches the wad of bedsheet in her fist tighter. "Fuck, I don't remember."

"Fezco got you out. You're okay."

Rue doesn't say anything to that because what the fuck do you say to that? What the fuck do you say when you can't remember if some random guy got his creep on while you were drooling on your dealer's couch? Especially not when said dealer told you to bail in the first place?

"It's not your fault", Jules says, like she knows exactly what Rue is thinking but  _that's not the point_. The point is that it happened and that, shitty as that is, she doesn't think it's enough to turn her off this shit.

"It's not your fault", Jules says again, louder, and Rue wishes she could believe her.


	3. 1x3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rue calls Ali about those pancakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, peoples! So it's the Fourth of July weekend, and I completely forgot about it so sorry if this is rushed. I won't be online for most of the weekend, but I will try to reply to comments as soon as I can. Thanks for reading and stay safe and happy!  
> Also, have you guys seen the promo for next episode???? Because I am having FEELINGS (but what else is new?)

She doesn’t know why she kissed her.

Scratch that, she does know why she kissed her, she’s fucking in love with her for fuck’s sake, she just doesn’t know what possessed her brain to think it was a good idea to follow through on it.

Because of course Jules doesn’t love her. Not like that anyway. The past two months, it’s been talk of that damn app and all the cute guys she runs into on there, with Shyguy118 seeming to be a literal angel from heaven from the way she talks about him. And even if there wasn’t competition, Rue is a “recovering” addict with enough issues to make even the most patient person leave. It’s a wonder Jules is even friends with her. 

_ She called me a mess. And I  _ kissed _ her.  _

Rue groans, pausing in her walk through the alley to crouch and press her hands to her eyes. 

The temperature’s rising, in that subtle, smug way that it does right before a storm. Clouds have been fading in and out all day, and she’s been hoping that it would just wait until she got someplace dry.

But everything’s kind of fucked now, so she doesn’t really care.

Across the street, the Jonses’s rottweiler is barking and snapping at her through their fence, charging after her, only to be snapped back by the chain around its neck whenever it gets to close. Sitting there, watching the poor, stupid thing chasing after her, after something so blatantly unobtainable, Rue feels small, silly, insignificant. And, if she’s being honest, put on blast because this is obviously the universe’s way of reaffirming the truth of her situation with Jules...and pretty much everything else in her life.

Anyway, the rottweiler gets bored with her after a while, shuffling away and ducking into its doghouse just as the rain starts. It’s a bucket shower, torrents and torrents of water flowing down and casting sharp breezes against the trees. Rue sits there through it all, making faces and grumbling to herself until a busted up Chevy strolls through the alley and parks beside her. 

“So you just gone sit there?”   
Rue spits some water out of her mouth and leans until she’s lying on her side. “I was planning on it.”

“That bad, huh?”   
Rue makes a noise in her throat, then sighs for emphasis. “Life is terrible.”   
“Yeah, kid, I know.” Ali chirps the car, then leans over the console to push the door open. “Get in”, he says, propping an elbow up on the window’s ledge. “You’re gonna get fucking pneumonia.”   
Rue sighs. “Leave me alone to die.”   
“Al right, but I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna be missing out on the best pancakes in your entire life.”   
“Lucky for me, I’ve always been more of a waffle girl.”

“Only cause you’ve never been to this place.” Ali picks up at the White Castle cup sitting in his cup holder and takes a sip. When he’s finished, he turns to stare out in the opposite direction, casually noting, “You wouldn’t have called if you didn’t want to go” as he looks.

Rue looks up from the ground and...well...she can’t exactly argue with that. Begrudgingly, she peels herself off the ground and stumbles over to his car. Ali makes a face as she sits down, no doubt thinking of the mud and water ruining his seats, but Rue pretends she doesn’t notice and turns on the radio. 

“You high”, Ali asks as he guides the car down the alley.

Rue sighs, leans her head back, and glares out at the windshield. “Unfortunately, no. My frien-dealer...he won’t sell to me anymore.” Her hands clench at that, panicdesperationfear rising in her chest once more as their conversation comes rushing down to her.

“What, you steal from him or something?” Ali flicks his eyes towards her. She’s a little surprised he’s cool with her just blurting it out like that. She...she expected more pushback, more disapproving scowls, more shouting, more “get the fuck out of my car and get your life the fuck together”. 

Rue spins the ring around and around her middle finger, biting her lip as she admits, “Nah, I steal from him all the time.” Her chest tightens as she swallows past the building lump in her throat and forces the words out. “He grew a conscience”, she says with a scoff. “Said he wasn’t gonna help me kill myself.”

Ali nods at that. “Sounds like a good guy.”   
“He’s a fucking drug dealer, Ali.”   
“And you’re an addict that’s lying about how ‘lovely’ the program’s working for you and how ‘grateful’ you are for everyone in your life. I guess that means you aren’t good either.” They pull onto the main road, and he looks at her; his eyes are hard, slightly angry, but they aren’t hateful, and they aren’t disgusted. They’re not like the eyes she sees in the mirror. They’re more like her mom’s and Gia’s, like Lexie’s, like Jules’s. Rue pushes the thought aside and scoots closer to the door.

“Call it as you see it”, she murmurs, cracking open the window enough to let a few splatters of rain leak through. 

“I’m not calling anything.” Ali turns the steering wheel, once, twice, and then pulls them out onto an old, dirt road’ll take them to the mini-mall. 

The rain’s coming down lighter now, so Rue cracks the window open some more, gasping softly at the cool, wet gusts of air rushing over her. She licks her lips and stares out the window, at the gathering storm clouds and errant streaks of lightning jumping across the sky. It makes her think of Jules, chaotic and beautiful and unexpected, and it makes her heart ache because when the storm clears, she just may never get to see any of that again.

_ I kissed her _ , Rue thinks and just about kicks herself.

“Word of advice, kid”, Ali says as he pulls into the parking lot of a Pancake Hut. “When you’re really,  _ really _ in it, no one hates you as much as you hate yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a Lilo and Stitch reference if you're wondering 😘😘😘.


	4. 1x4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rue lies in bed and thinks on some things, then sips some tea at three in the morning because her family literally has no concept of the word "privacy".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, when I fucking tell you this episode had me fucking TREMBLING.  
> Like, FUCK, they kissed. I don't know if this means they'll last, but THEY FUCKING KISSED.  
> And Nate had me bout ready to hop off my bed, jump into my T.V., and beat his ass.  
> And poor Cassie and Kat, ugh, I was going through it with this one.

Jules falls asleep right after, arms wrapped around her like she doesn't want Rue to leave but lax enough like she knows she won't. She falls asleep, and Rue's still awake, thinking of the feel of her lips pressed against her own and the feel of their glitter rubbing against one another's.

The clock on her bedside reads 3:22, and the stars outside her window have shifted. If she listened, she would hear the sound of the wind rustling through the oakwood trees surrounding their house. But if she did that, she'd miss the sound of Jules breathing, soft and wheezy, and she doesn't want to miss that.

It's in that moment that she thinks back to what Ali said.  _"Too much of anything can be a bad thing."_

She hadn't understood it then, and she doesn't understand it now because she's looking down at the arms wrapped around her waist, feeling the breath hot against her chest, and just marvelling at how soft and at peace Jules looks when she's sleeping and thinks,  _How can this be a bad thing?_

Logically, she knows exactly how. Jules could be using her as a rebound and dump her when she pieces herself back together, leaving Rue shattered and scrambling for the nearest adhesive. Or it could just end, just be one of those things, like her mom or Jules's dad getting a job out of state or Jules going away to school or any of a million things that could bring this one good thing to a halt and send her spiralling again.

Or maybe it'll be Rue. Maybe the cravings'll come back, maybe the noise'll get too loud, maybe she'll fall off the wagon and crack her head open on the pavement and spill all the silly string out of her head and onto the shoes of everyone within a fifty mile radius. Maybe she'll wreck it. Like everything else in her life.

Jules snorts, her nose turning up and her eyes crinkling. Rue holds in a breath, reaches out with trembling fingers, and brushes the back of her hand along the side of Jules's face. She keeps it there, just feeling her warmth, her energy, her life, before pulling away when she feels her tremors growing stronger because  _fuck_. It's barely been three months, and Rue already feels like she's fallen out of her alignment and jumped into Jules's.

_"Obsession. Addiction. Codependency._

_You lost yourself to drugs, Rue. You really wanna lose yourself to a person?"_

_"Yes."_   
_"Then you're never gonna kick it. Cuz it doesn't matter how good of a person she is. It matters what you are. And you're an addict, Rue. And you won't kick it."_

Rue inhales sharply, pushing herself into a sitting position just in time to see her mother passing by her open door. Her mother freezes, the confusion in her face well-lit by the soft yellow casted from the hallway light. Then something else, something shocked but...pleased replaces it as her eyes turn to the body coiled around Rue. Her mother jerks her head towards the kitchen, and, with a sigh, Rue carefully slides out of bed and follows her.

"Is that Jules", her mom asks as she reaches into the fridge and pulls out the jug of Arizona.

Rue slips into a seat at the table. Her stomach is in knots, but she somehow manages to play it off with an eye-roll and a nonchalant, "Yeah, mom. I'm not exactly swimming in the pool of popularity, you know".

At least, she thinks she pulls it off. Her mom is giving her that look when Rue was a kid and tried to pretend a good grade on a test wasn't a big deal.

"You sure do talk about her a lot", her mom says, passing Rue her glass of tea.

"Mm." Rue takes a sip and shrugs her shoulders. "Not much to talk about. You know, small town, dull school."  _Bullshit_ , Rue immediately calls, and her mom's calling it, too. They both know just how much shit she could stir up if she wanted.

"Did you ask her about coming over for dinner?"

Rue sighs and slumps against the back of her seat just as Gia strolls in and whispers, "What are we talking about?"  
Her mom presses her lips together, fighting back a smile, and whispers back, "Rue's new friend."  
Recognition creeps onto Gia's face, pushing away some of the sleepiness that had previously been there. "Oh, Jules", she says with a nod. She sits in the chair between her mom and Rue and pours herself some Arizona. When she's finished, she points at Rue and asks, "So y'all together yet or-"  
Rue narrows her eyes and whisper-shouts, "Gia!"

Gia smiles, does a brief shoulder dance, and trills, "I heard y'all making out."  
Rue covers her face with a hand and mutters, "For fuck's sake."

 _This is a weird thing_ , she decides as her mother and sister continue to pepper her for details. Usually when they're meeting like this, it's because Rue's fucked up in some way or another and they're trying to "deal with it as a family". Usually when they're meeting like this, Rue's anxious the whole time, eagerly awaiting the end of the conversation when she can dart back into her room and bleach it all from her brain.

But it's different this time...nice, even. Because she meant what she said. Aside from Lexie, she doesn't have many friends, and she hasn't really talked to anyone about Jules yet. Now, she can, and it's like-like she's actually excited about something. Even moreso,  _proud_  about something.

She can't remember the last time she could say that.

"She seems nice", her mom says with eyes so bright and so happy, it makes Rue ache to the very fiber of her bones.

But then that ache's gone because she's thinking of Jules. Jules crawling in through her window like that dude from Tangled, ready to whisk her away from all the pain and all the guilt and all the hate in her soul and into some realm of adventure and happiness and, for the first time in a while, she hears the lovesick pitter-patter of her heart beating in her ears.

"She is." Rue says just before she realizes she's smiling. She lets it stay and soon finds it reflected back at her in the faces of her mother and sister. "She is nice."

Not long after, Gia yawns, waves them goodnight, and retreats back to her room. Her mom soon follows in suit, kissing her forehead before turning out the kitchen and walking down the hall. Rue sits there a moment, mildly sipping at her now room-temperature tea, until she takes in a deep breath and returns to her own room.

Jules is still asleep, her hair strewn messily about her head and her arms wrapped tight around herself. Rue hums, and, without hesitation, crawls into bed beside her, and holds her until Jules's arms subconsciously hook around her.

If she listens, she can hear the sound of Jules's heart beating. And if she listens closer

she can hear it synchronizing with her own.


	5. 1x5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what they meant when they sang about the Crossroads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A prelude to what lead up to and what followed Rue's kiss with Lexie.

The guy’s name is Tucker. 

She can tell from how Lexie talks about him that she’s not actually interested; she said “yes” more out of politeness than an actual attraction, a combination of her mother pestering her to “finally get a boyfriend and be a normal kid” and too many hours spent reading horror stories about misogynistic assholes on Reddit. Of course, Lexie’ll never admit it, and Rue’s too busy disappointing her own mother to care enough to ask, but that’s the situation. 

If Lexie were anyone else, Rue would have told her to listen to those Redditors and just stay at home watching reruns of Good Luck Charlie or whatever it is she does to keep herself busy these days.

But Lexie isn’t anyone else. And, even though it sometimes annoys her just how naive she is, right now, watching her fuss and bitch over useless makeup tutorials, Rue actually kind of wants this for her. Wants her to have something normal and naive and silly like an eighth grade dance. 

Even with a guy like Tucker. 

“I’ve never even been on a date before”, Lexie murmurs, reapplying her coating of nail polish for the third time. “Is that weird?”

“You’re wearing makeup, Lex.” Rue lies against Lexie’s bed and sighs. “It’s already weird.”

Lexie looks up from where she’s sitting on her trunk and looks over at Rue. She looks almost childlike, with her overapplied mascara and unnaturally-red lips. “Weird like-like me with makeup is weird or...or weird like I shouldn’t be...be wearing it?”

_ Shit. Did I say that? _

_ That sounds like something I’d say, doesn’t it?  _

“What?” Rue smiles, harder when she sees Lexie’s still watching her like that time she stepped on her castle of legos. “No, ‘course not.” Lexie’s brow furrow, and she, carefully, screws the top of her bottle of nail polish back on. 

_ God, what I wouldn’t give to be literally anywhere else right now. _

Rue winces, scratches the back of her neck, and murmurs, “If it helps any, I never been on a date before either. And the last time I wore makeup was clear lip-gloss for that play we did in first grade.”

Lexie continues staring at her nail polish. Then, gently tucking it into one of the drawers of her trunk, she crawls up onto her bed and just stares at nothing. And then she says, “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Rue cocks her head to the side, grateful for the sudden change in subject. “We talking light-pecks or spit and tongues?”

Lexie grabs a packet of makeup wipes and begins pulling the mess of colors and hues off of her face. All at once, Rue feels as if she’s left out a big breath of air. She likes her better like this, and, judging from the visible missing weight on her shoulders, Lexie does, too.

_ Guess we’re both a little naive _ .

“Spit and tongues.”   
“Once, yeah. What?” Rue props her chin up on her palms, her leg swinging from side to side behind her. “You think he’s gonna make a move?”

Lexie blushes, and Rue can admit it’s quite possibly the cutest shade of red she’s ever seen. “I’ve heard some things.” A smirk crawls onto her face, and she tosses her hair over her shoulder. “ _ Very  _ impressive things.”

Rue lifts her eyebrows at her, but she smiles anyway. “Well, all right, then.” She bumps their shoulders together and laughs. “Sounds like you’re covered.”

“Uh, actually, that’s...kind of why I asked.” She sits up then, palms face-down on her knees. Her chest heaves as she takes in a deep breath and says, “I’ve never kissed anyone before”. Eyebrows, again, but Lexie’s swiping her hands through the air and blushing like she’s run out of her air before Rue can say anything. “And Tucker, like I said, has this reputation of being a really good fucking kisser. And I-”   
“-don’t wanna let him down.” Lexie nods, and Rue sits up, resting on her haunches as she nods and begins thinking through all of the one and a half kisses she’s had. “Okay. So you want some tips or something?”

Lexie licks her lips. “Actually, I was hoping you could teach me.”

By some miraculous stroke of luck, Rue doesn’t absolutely lose her shit at that. But then again, she’s pretty hungover, so it’s not that miraculous. And she’d be lying if she said she hasn’t once thought of it. “Okay.”   
Lexie watches her like she’s expecting Rue to start giggling and flip her off. But Rue’s not giggling, and her fingers are all in appropriate positions. It takes a minute, but Lexie draws closer, her tongue darting out once more before slipping back between her lips. “I’m uh. I’m just gonna.” She scoots closer, and Rue leans out, allowing Lexie to place her hand in the space where her arm meets her shoulder.

And then they’re kissing.

And it’s like, sure, she’s thought about it before because, honestly, who hasn’t thought about kissing their best friend? And in her case, where her best friend also happens to be her only friend and the only non-related person in the world who’s willing to put up with her, Rue supposes it was only bound to happen. It also helps that Lexie’s got really, really... _ really _ great lips. Really soft, really wet lips. Lips that, even if Rue’s not necessarily attracted to, always seem to grab her attention, whether she’s hanging out with her at the park or she’s just thinking of her when she needs to be following along with the lesson in school. And, yeah, Rue knows how that sounds, but she’s examined it thoroughly, and it’s not a crush; it’s more just neutral observations than anything else, observations which she figures will fade once Lexie finally outgrows her.

Might be a little harder, now that they’re currently lip-locked and Lexie’s tongue is halfway down her throat but, even still, it’s more sensational than emotional. She’ll forget this, just like Lexie will one day forget her. 

When Lexie pulls away, she looks a little...well...if she’s being honest, she looks a little freaked out. But a minute ago, she was a kiss-virgin, so that’s probably to be expected. There’s something in her eyes that suggests it’s more than that, but it’s then that Lexie’s phone starts beeping. She answers the phone, Rue wipes the remainders of Lexie’s lipstick off her mouth, and the moment fades. 

And soon enough, Rue’s own phone is vibrating. She pulls it out of her bra and sees it’s from her new contact; his name’s Fezco, and, even though she’s more used to pass-alongs, everybody knows Fezco. And Fezco is where it’s at.

“I gotta go”, they both say, looking up from their phones. Rue smiles, small and simple, and tucks her phone back into place, slipping off her bed as she starts to look for her shoes. “Uh, hope that was enough.”   
“What? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, it was good, I think I’ve got it from here.” 

Rue gives her a thumbs-up, just barely able to contain her excitement because dude. She’s meeting a dealer, a fucking  _ dealer _ , of all things. And not just some asshat who swiped a few pills from his sister’s stash, no, this is the real thing, she is actually  _ in _ it. If this isn’t the textbook definition of a crossroads…

_ Shit. I could actually get something good.  _ Carmen, their neighborhood’s last big-name dealer, got picked up in a raid last fall. It’s been nothing but weak highs since then cause Rue’s not willing to risk getting a bad batch and landing herself in fucking rehab, of all things. But Fezco’s been around for a few months now, and the only bad thing about him is that bratty little brother he’s in business with.

But for some good blow? She can deal with a brat, no problem.

“You know”, Lexie says as Rue’s slipping her sweatshirt over her head. “Tucker has a brother-and a sister, actually- and if you want, I could…we could double-date.”” Rue pulls her hood off of her head and looks at her. She just looks at her because  _ really _ ?

Don’t get her wrong, it was nice and all, painting their nails and swapping spit and all. It almost made Rue feel like a person; the key word, of course, being “almost”. Because come on. This shit is child’s play, a commercial break from your regularly-scheduled bullshit and trauma. It wasn’t meant to last, hell, wasn’t even meant to mean anything aside from taking your mind off the tragedy that actually is the bullshit and trauma.

It’s good but at the same time

it’s not real.

“Maybe some other time”, Rue offers and smiles again because this is all pretend anyway, and, when you’re pretending, it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not. All that matters is that it looks pretty and that it suggests there will be some other time. Rue pulls her hood back up and reaches for the doorknob, stopping only when Lexie softly says, “I miss you, Rue.” 

She just barely refrains from turning back around. If she turns around, she’s gonna take one look at Lexie’s smeared lipstick and big, ole baby eyes and just fall apart, just turn her phone off, slip underneath the covers with her, and set herself up for pretending for the rest of her life. Rue pictures it for a minute, pictures giving it all up and becoming the person she was supposed to be, the person people want her to be. And she can see it. It’s almost scary just how easily, just how clearly she can see it. Because for the whole of her life, she hasn’t been able to see anything. And now that it’s here, here in front of her, she realizes she doesn’t want anything to do with it. 

She’s already become someone else. And it’s not that she doesn’t care what the people in her life have to say about that, it’s that she literally cannot be anyone else, cannot be anything but what she is.

_ If I could be another person, I would.  _

_ I  _ promise _ you. I would. _

“Rue?”

Rue swallows and breathes because if she didn’t, she’d drown in all the thoughts coursing through her head and all the guilt flowing through her veins. The door creaks when she pulls it open, letting in the sound of squeals of laughter and papers crashing to the floor from where Cassie and Mrs. Howard are camped out in the living room. Rue pretends she doesn’t hear them, pretends she doesn’t feel Lexie staring a hole into her back, pretends there isn’t a fucking elephant sitting on her chest because it’s been fourteen years since she’s been brought into this shitlife of existence, and she’s gotten pretty fucking good at pretending. 

“See you at school, Lex.” 

She closes the door behind her, and she doesn’t look back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL, WE GOT RENEWED FOR A SECOND SEASON, AND A BITCH IS THRIVING.


	6. 1x7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a quick one cuz I'm trying to work on these other projects. Also, sorry for the lack of update last week, writer's block finally struck on this one.

It comes to her attention, somewhere between the third and fourth season of the 2015 British revival, that, manic or not, heartbroken or not, she knows what the fuck she’s talking about.

Arguably, of course, that’s probably what most heartbroken manics would say, but she’s trying to make a point so.

She doesn’t need a levelled-state of mind or a healthy state of emotional being or even an empty fucking bladder to know that there’s something going on between Maddy, Tyler, and Nate. And once she’s come to that conclusion, it’s pretty easy to realize that Jules is somehow wrapped up in it, too.

Or maybe Jules is what kicked it off. Whatever, chicken or the egg, who gives a shit, the  _ point _ is

something is going on between those four, and it doesn’t take a neurotypical to be able to call it as it is.

But who’s gonna listen to her? She’s three months out of rehab, less than one of which she’s actually spent clean, she’s got a triple-whammy of mental disorders, and she can’t maintain a healthy relationship to save her life.

Not to mention the fact that she’s just pissed herself like the fucking infant that she is but, you know, it’s not like she’s making a list or anything.

“Probably gonna be a high school dropout”, she murmurs, making an imaginary check with her fingers as she lays, curled up on her side in bed.

Okay, maybe she is making a list.

Not long after, Rue comes to another realization, the one that  _ you’re doing all this fighting for someone who doesn’t even like you _ . And she’s not saying it to be bitter; she’s just stating the truth. She and Jules haven’t even been together six months, and, already, Jules has started hitting the bottle and yeeted herself off to parts unknown, anything to not have to deal with the insufferable Rue-shaped tumor that’s overtaken her life.

And that in and of itself, the fact that she leeches the life off of everyone she has a relationship with, isn’t entirely new. It’s a truth which she’s long since accepted, and, given how often it’s happened, it’s honestly making her reconsider this whole “peopling” thing: making friends; fixing the fucked relationship she has with her mother and Gia; making amends with Lexie. A month ago, she thought it was a good idea, something to keep her busy and “content” while staying clean for Jules. 

But Jules is gone now. And now, Rue just wants to lie here, beneath the sweltering heat of her blankets, until the brightness from the screen of her laptop fucks up her eyes.

She knows what this is. She knows she traded in one addiction for another, the same way she traded Jules for drugs, and, when Jules left, Jules for the “alleged” conspiracy between her and the Three Stooges.

(and the cigarettes but that’s an “acceptable” drug so whatever)

If Ali could see her now....well, she doubts he’d be surprised, but there’d definitely be a look of disappointment and some semi-well hidden sadness.

But honestly, fuck Ali because who fucking cares? Cuz at the end of the day, it’s all an addiction, life, adrenanline, sex, food, work, drama, people. Everybody’s fucking addicted to something. Some are just more acceptable than others.

_ We see the world in black and white because if we didn’t, we’d drown in the shades of grey.  _

That’s all it is. Right, wrong, good, bad, beautiful, repulsive. When it really comes down to it, none of it means anything because it all means something different to everyone. No one wants to admit that, though, so when they see Rue, they see something  _ wrong _ and  _ broken  _ because they perceive life like a light switch, with only two settings, when, all along, they should have been looking for a spectrum.

She doesn’t see it like that, can’t see it like that, and so she doesn’t  _ fit _ . The world always spun too fast and she too slow. She likens it to pushing a merry-go-round, to when it’s begun to turn faster than you can run and you hit that pivotal moment of “What now?”; she’s just holding on, breath thick and heavy in her ears, feet threatening to slip from underneath, until it all slows to an anticlimactic stop or she loses her grip and goes fumbling to the ground, being drug along mercilessly as the children above continue to roar and shriek with amusement.

Whichever comes first.

“I think I need to go back on the medication”, she tells her mother, quietly, subdued, in the safety her mother’s arms provide. She feels her fingers, gentle and tender, in her hair, twisting and untwisting, and blinks back tears because she knows what she’s thinking:  _ This is gonna be the rest of her life. _

Rue presses her forehead to the center of her mother’s chest, sighing as she feels the arms around her tighten. Leslie Bennett, ever the protector, even when one of the lights of her life is continuously proving to be a life-sucking abyss of darkness.

She texts Ali and thinks of Jules for the rest of the night. It doesn’t bring her any sense of comfort, but she’s grown to expect it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What an episode. I can't believe next week's is the last, I'm not ready 😭😭😭.


	7. 1x8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therein lies the catch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers in the end notes for other characters, holy shit, avoid the end notes like your life depends on it

When Rue was in the fifth grade, she was given her first dissection assignment. She slipped her hand into her mother’s purse when she got home, typed “dissection” into google search, and spent two hours filtering through results until she was gripped by an anxiety attack so fierce, it nearly landed her in the hospital.

Afterwards, curled up between her mom and dad, Gia crawling on the floor beneath them, her mind replayed the videos and images she’d come across. She didn’t want to dissect anything, but she never told her parents. She was just barely passing Science, and, if she failed, she would gonna freak out, and she’d had enough freakouts to last a lifetime.

So she went to school before classes started and sat beneath the jungle gym with Lexi for a grand total of three minutes before she convinced herself that she’d be plagued with freakouts her whole life and that one more wouldn’t hurt. She turned to Lexi, told her about how queasy and uneasy the whole thing made her, and just about froze when Lexi said, eyes still on the sandcastle she’d created, “Why don’t we just let them go?”

Mr. Freely was scolding Nate for tripping James in a race when they snuck away, hoods thrown up over their heads and toes set to tip. They weren’t at all suspicious.

Anyway, the window to his classroom was already open, so they just slipped in, darted across the room, and crouched at the large boxes on the back table. One quick peek confirmed they, indeed, housed the starfishes. One thing lead to another, and they wound up on their bikes, two boxes of starfish in their basket, riding towards the ocean.

For the first time in ever, Rue felt  _ high.  _ And not like the highs that would come later, the ones laced with mania or saturated with chemicals and herbs or whatever the fuck you call em, but actually high. She laughed, quietly, ever afraid of being caught by some nosey adult and disappointing her fish friends, but Lexie heard it anyway and laughed, too. And soon enough, they were both laughing, pedaling harder than they’d ever pedaled.

They dumped the starfish at the beach, shrieking and running away when the cuties scurried away like some sort of aquatic demon from the deepest regions of hell. They wound up getting caught by a man and a lady from neighborhood watch, later escorted back to school and getting banned from all lab activities for the rest of the year.

Rue could tell Lexie, who hated to get in trouble, felt bad, but Rue. Rue just felt...she felt good. Good like at the skating rink, good like winning an oversized teddy bear at the fair. It was a feeling she’d never felt before, not to this intensity, and it would have scared her if it hadn’t been so good.

Because it had been good. Because even when they were being escorted across the playground like a couple of common criminals, she’d felt nothing but pride and contentment. 

_ And when we rode, our hearts full of joy and our baskets full of starfish. _ She turned to look at Lexie and smiled, not caring that the look Lexie sent back looked more worried than euphoric. _ I felt like I could touch the sky. _

And now, well, now she feels like air, in an eternal state of suspencion, neither high nor low, and she doesn’t quite know what to think of that, but, for the moment, she’s free, and she thinks she likes that. 

She likes it a lot.

They walk into the dance, hand in hand, faces swathed in the soft paths of the purple lights highlighting the gymnasium. Shit, she can’t even remember the last time she went to one of these. Much less the last time she wanted to go to one.

But Jules makes her want to do things, so that isn’t exactly surprising.

They dance, they sing, they talk, and it’s all nice, even if Jules spends a painfully familiar amount of time on her phone. She wants to say something, but Anna seems to make her happy, so she guesses it’s okay.

Then she goes and confronts Nate, and, well, she feels less okay, but it’s whatever.

_ “I hate this town.”  _

_ “If I could, I’d burn it to the fuckin’ ground.”  _

_ “And salt the earth behind you.” _

Is that what this is? After all the shit she’s been through, has she succumbed to immolation and been relieved of her time, her presence, here on this earth? 

She knows how that sounds, and she promises she’s not high, she’s just...introspective...contemplating...having doubts. Call it an existential crisis but is a crisis truly a crisis when it’s been running for seventeen years? 

Mick and Sherrie, her rehab counselors from stays number one and two, respectively, would probably say ‘yes’; Sherrie used to slip pills in her biscuits that made her go zrrrrp!, and she’s pretty sure Mick faked his psychological, though, so she probably shouldn’t be looking to their ghosts for advice.

Regardless, she feels good with Jules, even if she’s thinking of Anna and Nate and how  _ Tyler  _ started out much like Anna before it all went to shit.

But she’s okay, for the most part. Because sometimes people fall in love with more than one person. And it’s not that she faults Jules for it but moreso that Rue kinda thinks she’s monogamous and that she worries how that’ll affect their relationship. But other than that, it’s like, fucking peaches or however the saying goes. She’s at the winter formal with her best friend, some awesome girls, and her maybe-girlfriend, and she’s three months clean. All things considered, she’s better off than she’s ever been.

Then she says they should bail and Jules fucking goes along with it. Which is just freaky because, in all honesty, Rue says a lot of shit she doesn’t mean, and Jules  _ knows _ that like what the fuck? But Jules looks so happy at the prospect of leaving (with her, nonetheless) and, shit, if that doesn’t make her feel good, too.

For the moment, it makes her feel good. 

In the next, they’re packing bags and tucking tickets into their pockets and standing in the middle of a fucking train station in the middle of the fucking night and for all that Rue hates this shithole of a town, she’s never actually had a plan for leaving. She didn’t even think she’d live long enough to begin to dream of leaving this town, and now she’s standing beneath the terminal, staring up at the train schedule, and trying to remember the last time she took the train because what if there’s, like, a train etiquette or something and she fucks it up? What if she dropped her ticket? What if someone forgets to switch the tracks or whatever and they go slamming into another train in a collision of blood and metal and sparks and just-

“Rue, we’ll figure it out. I promise”, Jules says, head high, smile firm in place.

-and Rue is fucking terrified, of trains, of the future, of  _ Jules _ , because even if Nate has the ability to fucking obliterate her life, she’s so fucking composed and confident and just the exact opposite of  _ mess _ , and it terrifies her because how can someone that  _ perfect _ be with someone this broken?

_ Ten years _ , Nate had said.  _ A lot can happen in ten years. _

_ A lot can happen in ten minutes; a lot can happen in ten seconds.  _

Within ten seconds, she can unscrew a capsule and steal her father’s medication. Within ten seconds, she can crawl out of her window and start biking to Lexie’s house to get her to piss in a bottle. Within ten seconds, she can trip over her bookbag and fall to the floor, the sudden movement leaving her disoriented and nauseous enough to vomit and the drugs in her system potent enough to render her incapable of moving, her only saving grace being the angel of a sister standing outside her bedroom door.

Jules won’t forget her. She’ll remember everything about Rue.

And she’ll regret it.

Rue doesn’t board the train. She just stands there, back at it again with the crossroads. And it’s not that she necessarily wants to leave Jules, but she has a family here, has friends here, has a whole life here. And even if, when compared to others’ hundreds of years later, it won’t be worth mentioning, it’s still her life. The only one she’s got. And for all that she hates it, it’s not like she can be another person, not like she can just assume someone else’s identity.

Rue doesn’t want to leave. She’ll live and die in this town. And in the end, after the meltdowns and the burdens of addiction and the clinginess and the fuckery of it all, she thinks that it's what drives Jules away. Because Jules is, she’s chasing her own highs, highs that take her to new places and new people. She and Rue were never gonna settle down. She was never gonna settle. Too much to see, too much to do. An errant spirit and she won’t rest until she’s finally, finally satisfied.

Rue knows the feeling. And it hurts because she also knows satisfaction is but a fleeting moment of pleasure, extended only in the pursuit of the next high.

She’s gone. Gone with hissing wheels and a muffled announcement over the intercom. Just like that.

It didn’t even take ten seconds. 

Five minutes pass. Then fifteen. Then forty. Then two hundred and sixty and the few people that remain at the terminal at this hour have begun to stare. A nice woman in a uniform with half a shaved head approaches her, speaking calmly and gently and asking if something’s happened.

Rue can’t find it in herself to answer.

A voice, a sensible one, speaks to her and says, “If Jules was that willing to leave, she was probably already thinking about it before you asked”. It sounds a lot like Ali’s. And then she realizes she’s sitting on a bench, knees drawn to her chest and a phone pressed against her ear, and, oh, shit, it is Ali. The woman in the uniform is sitting beside her, eating half a meatball sandwich. She offers her the other half, and Rue takes it, ignoring the way barbecue sauce drips down the nice shirt Jules picked out for her.

She murmurs a thanks to the woman, then stands, climbs aboard a bus, and rides around town until the driver tells her his shift is up. Then she just walks around for a bit, all the while, still on the line with Ali. He sounds worried, and he’s telling her to call her sponsor because he’s not a fucking idiot, he knows exactly what Rue’s about to do.

Or rather, already did. There was a guy, an exchange, some sniffing, and it was a allllllllllll very pleasant, very enlightening.

It hits after her third rotation about the neighborhood. There’s a change in Ali’s voice almost immediately, but Rue’s not really paying attention because  _ fuck, has she missed this _ .

His voice is fading in and out, and Rue’s tripping over her feet, and, already, she’s thinking of meeting with another dealer because there is no way she’s leaving this again.

Ali’s still in her ear, telling her that just because Jules has left doesn’t mean that the part of her that wants to be clean is gone, too.

And that’s just it; it’s not really a consequential type of thing. Jules leaves, so Rue does drugs, right?

No.

No.

There’s no real order to it, no cause and effect, no progression, no seed that sprouts to a full grown ash tree. No. There is choice. A series of choices, one preceding, one succeeding, some closely linked, but all very much, at their very roots, choices. Rue chose to talk to Jules at that party, like she chose to pull Gia away from Idiot Twin #1, like she chose to pick up the phone and call Ali, like she’s choosing, this very minute, to get high.

Those last two, she realizes, are VERY much linked because she still hasn’t hung up the phone, and Ali sounds equal parts furious and worried.

She should introduce him to her mother. She thinks they’d get along  _ swell _ .

“My-my mom’s looking for a boyfriend”, she says, simultaneously handing the cashier at a Speedway a thirty ( _ too much  _ (( _ where’d you get a thirty from? _ )) in exchange for a box of Sugar Babies and zipping and unzipping her jacket. “I could-I could set you up if you want-”   
“Rue, would you shut the fuck up and listen to me?” Rue tears open the top of her box, digs her hand in, and tosses the tiny pieces of caramel into her mouth. “ _ Give me an address _ ”, Ali’s saying as she leaves the store and continues down the street. “I can’t come pick you up if you don’t help me out.”   
Rue snorts. “Well, spoiler alert, Ali.” She lowers her voice to a whisper and giggles. “I already got me a pick-me-up. Wanna know what it is?”

“Rue-”

She buries a hand in her hair and spins in a circle. “It ain’t sugar, I’ll tell you that.”   
“Rue!” From his end of the line, she can hear the sound of a horn honking, followed by Ali shouting at someone. Rue just laughs and stumbles down the street, humming the theme song to Little Einsteins as she goes. “Give me an address or I’m gonna call the cops and tell ‘em there’s a kid walking around, coked out of her mind and threatening to kill herself.”   
She doesn’t even stutter in her steps. “Mmmm”, she says, narrowly avoiding tripping over a penny. “I wouldn’t kill myself, Ali. You can’t  _ feel _ anything if you’re dead, stupid. And I intend to feel EVERYTHING!” 

“I mean it, Rue.” Ali, again, and, shit, he sounds serious. “I will call the cops.”   
Rue just scoffs. “You don’t have the balls.”

Quiet, on his end. And then, like he’s never been more exhausted in his entire life, “I have all the balls in the world.”

She tells him her address. She sits down on the curb, and she waits, and she hallucinates a whole ass dance sequence, it’s really trippy (and deadass would definitely win an award if she wasn’t the only one who could see it), and, man, she has really missed this. Gonna be hard keeping this going, though, ‘specially with Fez being such a tightass. God and her mom and Gia…

Gia. Shit. Gia’s probably gonna be pissed. Lexie, too, now that she thinks about it. And her mom but she’s always pissed at her, she and Rue, they’re like a matching set.

They probably thought this was it. That she was gonna stay clean this time. 

Although, to be fair, Rue thought it was it this time, too.

Ali pulls up, and Rue smiles, but it’s wobbly. Already, she can feel it, that brief surge of happiness, slipping away. “Ali!”, she shouts as she leans against his car. “What’s up, my dude?”

Ali just stares at her. Sometimes, she thinks she would have liked to have known him when he was still using. But then she’d have one less person to come pick her up after she collapses, so she brushes the thought of side and just stares back at him. Tears fill her eyes; her lower lip trembles. “I have a kidney infection”, she says, and Ali still doesn’t say anything. He just opens the door and crawls out. “Oh.” She brushes the sleeve of her jacket over her eye and lets out an empty laugh. “And Jules left me so...there’s that.” Ali’s eyes soften, and the tears begin to flow freely. “She left. She left me like the chick at the end of the second act of a movie, ‘cept I don’t think there’s gonna be a third act, and I don’t think she’s coming back and fuck my stomach  _ hurts _ .”

Ali sighs. He steps forward, wraps his arms around her, and just holds her as the weight of the night crashes down upon her. “I know, kid.”

He takes her to NA. It’s too late for a meeting, but they have beds in the back, and, seeing as Rue can’t even stomach seeing her mom and Gia right now, it’s just about the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for her. She tells him so, and Ali just shakes his head, tells her to call her sponsor in the morning, and leaves.

She lies down, and pictures, for a moment, someone doing the same for him. She pictures him with bloodshot eyes, shaky hands, and hiccupy laughs. She doesn’t like it, so she thinks of Lexie, dragging her back to that beach every summer to look for those hideous starfish, and she settles on that. Then she thinks back to the formal, when she sat at that table with her, Jules, Kat, Maddy, and Cassie, and everything was okay. It wasn’t perfect, not by any means, but it was  _ okay _ , she had been okay, and, for now, that’s all she wants.

She closes her eyes.

And she crashes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, that fucking finale wrecked me. Maddy called Nate out on his shit, KAT AND ETHAN GOT TOGETHER HOLY FUCK YES, Cassie had an abortion, Jules is gone, Rue's using again, AND ZENDAYA REMIXED ALL FOR US like, they did not have to go that hard, what am I supposed to do with myself til season 2 I'm fucking 😭😭😭

**Author's Note:**

> You guys, I am loving this show so fucking much, you have no fucking idea.


End file.
